Quiet as its Kept ~ Tiphanie W.| December 2023
This one might ruffle more than just a few feathers and it will more than likely be my last deep thought surrogacy post. As I gain more connections, I definitely want to share my take on a few things so there is no confusion on who I am and what I stand for.
As I shared in my previous blog called The Experience, there is in fact some good and some greed in this lovely industry called surrogacy. At this point, I’ve spent about a year speaking with those connected to surrogacy from every angle. Whether it is through a phone call, in-person, text, or direct messages on social media; from parents, surrogates and “professionals” alike. What I’ve gathered is, there is some common ground for sure but there is also a pretty diverse set of reasons for the purpose and intent of their existence.
Now, this is the part that may get a little rocky, but I feel it needs to be said. A good friend of mine, that I met and bonded with through surrogacy as she was navigating and embracing this world via the lens of an intended mother seeking a surrogate, said it best – she wished some surrogates would stop pretending to want a non-transactional experience when truthful they were seeking a transactional journey all along. Sure, there are some good intentions in it all. Regardless, you are doing a good deed despite whatever initially inspired you. And if you assume it will be a walk in the park along the way, you’ll be in for a rude awakening! Even the most beautiful journeys require an enormous amount of commitment, discipline and effort. To cut straight to the chase and not sugar coat, if you are in it for the money, you will work for the money!
But let’s get back on track here. When it comes to me, I was very much disassociated in my first journey. The main hype and focus were on Covid-19 during that time and I had very little interest in social media. Agency staff constantly encouraged me to join Facebook to be part of their surrogacy mom group which was an extension of their monthly support group. I always declined and in my second journey when I became more active on social media in efforts to expand my own online presence as a life coach, I quickly learned I wasn’t missing much at all in the social media surrogacy world. I have yet to join Facebook!
What does surrogacy look like on social media- a little far off from reality. It looks a bit masked and fairytale-ish. It looks like a bunch of folks claiming to be experts from the second they submit their application to be a surrogate. It looks like a bunch of people claiming to be an advocate for a community when they are really recruiting for their own personal financial gain. It looks predominantly white (when I’m sure it is) but there are many women of other races who are surrogates, who are greatly underrepresented in everything from Facebook to Instagram to TikTok to Agency and Organization websites. And let me be clear, I don’t mean the occasional fair-skinned Latina woman as a surrogate. As a woman of color, we get very little love in surrogacy community which is weird to me but also to be excepted because that’s the case for most things, still, in 2023. It also looks like a bunch of people dancing and twirling around to trendy songs on reels and TikToks while heading to appointments, taking multiple pregnancy test, and dancing to how seemingly easy it was for them to get pregnant as if the very people they are supposedly here to help don’t have so much anxiety around those very things and at times haven’t shared their journey with family and friends, may not even be aware the surrogate has taken a pregnancy test and shared results with followers or may even be struggling with adjusting to the fact that someone else has to carry their child while still longing for the desire of doing this part of life themselves. Like do these women not think about this while they are so busy flaunting online, I often wonder? I think what get’s me the most are the videos about compensation - it’s such a turn-off. It is not flattering or becoming, although most surrogates think it is very cute to demand their “worth” on social media and encourage others to do so as well. I personally feel as if I am worth more than a dollar amount - that’s more of a form of limiting belief. In the grand scheme of things, would it be so much to consider that aspect as an added bonus to the good deed?
My reason for this is because these same people online always share so called claims that surrogacy has such a bad rap. They constantly mention all these “rumors” and “questions” they get asked about being a surrogate. I personally believe you attract what you give off. Plain and simple! I have never once had anyone question my motive for surrogacy or make any negative comments directly to me about what I am doing! I have had a few personal people in my life ask me why specifically and it was due to a lack of understanding and exposure to the topic thanks to the fact you never see minorities as surrogates in the majority of media. If you make videos several times per month about compensation, you cannot be upset when someone slides in your comments or DMs about the fact you are just doing it for the money – it’s the vibes you give off honey. And as a social worker by education and by heart, what people call advocacy online in surrogacy is not advocating for self, others, programs or community – what I see online is sales, marketing, promotion and recruiting. That is far from advocating.
I spent a few months trying to push my way into a community that I felt rejected by time and time again. And not just social media but within my own agency, which is a whole other topic but was absolutely to be expected as they are all about promoting white and green, if you know what I mean. Beginning on Juneteenth, I connected with a few other brown and minority surrogates online through a post that I made and a few posts that I came across. Things started off okay, but I quickly learned the brown side (surrogacy community) was no different than the “other” side. What I saw was a bunch of women secretly in competition with each other. A bunch of women doing the exact same thing I despised on the other side, flaunting everything around every day on social media when the majority of the time the families they were working with were oblivious to what they were truly sharing and how much they boasted about their monetary value. I quickly realized these people were also, not my people!
The surrogacy community is not for me. It absolutely is not for me! And I have very much become disassociated again. It was and is quite peaceful in my little bubble with limited access. I have come across some sweet folks along the way and I value those connections. I’ve come across others that I pretty much just conclude our interactions as a reason for just a season but it is nothing I desire long term. Not that I think I am better than any one else. That’s far from the purpose of this piece. I am just sure of who I am and I realize that I don’t quite fit in because I am not meant to. I am not meant to be a sellout like they used to say around the way when I was growing up. My purpose for the little bit of space that I take up in such a big industry and big world will one day come completely into fruition.
“Come out from among them and be separate.” 2 Corinthians 6:17
